Nifty noodles/ Man on the street
2/24/02
Newport Beach, CA
I spent the day with George King of the new production company "The Butterfly Group" a Bob Carlisle production company. They're doing a T.V. Special about Dads for Fathers day they're gonna pitch it to CBS for national airing. I was asked to do "man on the street" interviews with folks about their dads.

They picked me cause I can strike up a conversation with a telephone pole. I was flattered... I would have rather sung but hey... No biggie. They have interviews with Travis Tritt, Kevin Costner, Angelina Jolie, Danny Ganns, Jeff Probst (the host of Survivor), Sting (the WWF wrestler not the singer) and a Race car driver that I don't remember... Among others. I was interviewing the everyday folks. There are some Christian singers involved... Joy Williams was the only one I heard about...

I interviewed one guy that stuck out in my mind.. He was clearly troubled about his Dad.." I haven't talked to him in a while" he said and he revealed on camera that he was gay and hadn't told his dad... They probably won't use that on the show. But I prayed for him later that day... I couldn't begin to address his struggle as I was working. I was surprised at his comments he seemed in desperate need to talk to somebody. I wish now I could have had a longer conversation with him... Off camera of course.

We came across quite a few gay couples, men and women. Man there's a lot of stuff goin on around us. I guess I don't see it cause I'm working on my own problems all the time.

Boy when you ask someone about their dad though there is an immediate pause. Like they're trying to hold back a flood of thought. Pain, Joy, wonder. "How can you tell when your dad is pleased with you?" was one of the questions I would ask among other light hearted things. Over all people were happy with their dads more so than I would have thought. "don't worry," I said on camera "this is not a therapy session"... "what kind of man is your dad?" "What the best thing you ever gave him?" "What kind of stuff do you like to do with him?"

The responses were all different but there is a connection there that everyone of us has or is at least aware of...

What's the first thing you say about your Dad? Mine was: "he's retired... He doesn't call much".

O.k so there's THAT! bryan d

Nifty noodles/ Poster Child
2/22/02
Lake Forrest, CA
Saddleback Church
You know I sing at Celebrate Recovery here about three times a year. I've become the poster child for Celebrate Recovery 12 step programs. They are springing up all over the country. They are expecting some 2200 churches to participate in the August summit. I've donated my time to at least three other programs in Southern California in the last two months. I have found a warm sense of community among people in recovery from drugs, alcohol, sex, food, relationships... Or any combination there of. There's a humility around here that only comes from knowing the exact nature of your faults. From realizing that your life has become unmanageable and that Jesus will make all things right if I surrender to his will.

I have been forced to embrace this program myself because of my own hurts habits and hang ups. "It works if you work it". And I am working the program. Establishing a new attitude about my faith and what it means and how I should live and act in this world.

I've got to give up running the world myself... It's killing me ; ) I'm " accepting this world as it is, not as I would have it ".

It always feels good to play here. I am understood here especially the sarcasm.

O.K. So there's THAT bryan d

Nifty noodles/ small town poet
2/18/02
Shippensburg, PA
After playing two morning services in Beaver Falls we flew over to Hagerstown for a little dinner theater gig. Maybe two hundred in a candle lit room.

I was hung over from jet lag... Rare for me but I haven't been out a lot lately and my body clock was clearly on west coast time. I was emotionally exhausted as well. It was hard to get started even at eight o clock at night.

Folks weren't quick to pick up on my sarcastic humor. They were never sure when I was joking or being serious. See the thing is ... I'm always serious! I'm just laughing when I'm tellin' it. Otherwise I would cry. I struggled to put my best effort out here. I struggled to find a bond with the audience and their passion for God.

"I'll always have Jesus" was as close as I got to 'em. I was too vulnerable with this audience, looking back. I let 'em see my lack of self esteem...making some distressing comments about my future and my perceived lack of success... Which only looks like I'm fishing for sympathy or compliments. I wasn't looking for either... I was just tired and stuff spills out that shouldn't. I was embarrassed.

Outside the Hotel downtown around 2: a.m. There was a car fire... Just below our third floor window. Shippensburg has a volunteer fire dept. so we got front row seats for the show. Two trucks and several pedestrian cars with guys pulling their boots out of the trunk. That was the highlight.

O.K. So there's tHaT bryan d

Nifty noodles/ frosted flakes
2/16/02
Pittsburgh, PA
It was snowing by two a.m. In Beaver Falls, Pa. It was a sold out show at a $10. Ticket. The sound was awesome. I always play long if it sounds good. Tonight though it was so hot in the building that I did drop a couple of songs just for the sake of safety. (people might pass out) After the show I laid in bed and from my hotel window watched the snow fall. I felt like I was in one of those glass snow balls as the snow would change speed and direction every now and then. Played the next morning for two services at the same church... This is more exhausting than doing a whole show. All the standing around time just wears me out.

O.k. So there's THAt. Bryan d

Nifty noodles/ Recoverside
2/15/02
Riverside, CA
I played for a Recovery Ministry five minutes from my house. It felt good to do the whole Joyride set for a change. My future is in Recovery. I fit this crowd like a glove. Only problem is that I get too comfortable around them and then go back to other gigs... And have to remember that not every one is "safe" to share with. Not everyone is ready for my most recent revelations on dysfunction. The interesting thing about this recovery ministry to me is that it has sprung up within the walls of a Pentecostal/ Charismatic type church. Usually high on the "one step" transformation of people who meet Christ.

I always remember a quote from John White in a book called " Eros Defiled " he says " belief can change remarkably, under the pressure of need" It just hasn't been my experience that a one time transformation is a reality... So I've had to embrace the a way of dealing with my own addiction to sin... I am unable (by my own will power) to leave the wrong thing alone just because I've met Jesus. He's only made me aware that sin is not his desire for my life. I guess it's not really a temptation if you don't have a desire for it. I'd love to say that since I've met Jesus, He's all I've wanted.

But in some ways we have to adjust our thinking to accommodate reality.

O.K. So there's THAT bryan d

Nifty noodles/ The Nobility of Phoniness
2/13/02
Maranatha Chapel/ San Diego
Oh yea I almost forgot to do a noodle on this. It's a five song kinda thing before a bible study. It's become a regular event down here for the last few years for me... I play it about three times a year. The challenge is to do something fresh. I never remember what songs I did last time. It went smooth though. I played mostly from an acoustic Grand Piano and entered the stage from the left this time... So ... THAT was different!

I've been opening with "It Gets Better" from Joyride...I like it. It's kind of wishful thinking if you ask me. I remember writing this, feeling somewhat tepid about my convictions on the subject. You know of course that I am a pessimistic man. I'm still stuck in an "I'm O.K. As long as I'm performing correctly" mode.

The Bible study was about how things tend to get harder as you follow Christ because God is "sifting" you. The finer the grain the smaller the grate. Maybe that¹s why things still feel as painful as they ever did and I don't feel like there's been any change in my life.

A twelve step friend of mine told me yesterday of his tendency to analyze his sobriety..." Keeping score doesn't work" he said. My favorite line for the week was his... "72% of the time I'm relatively Righteous" ....I laughed at the absurdity of standing on my own merits cause that's what it looks like!

The pastor at Maranatha chapel came out after I finished my set. "I like to have Bryan out cause he's so Honest" he said Yea sure I am... At least with total strangers. With people closer in like family members or people in authority who could make me pay some painful dividend... I can lie with the best of 'em.

I will leave you with this great little nugget (adjusted to first person singular) a quote from John Powel: "I defend my dishonesty (denying and not sharing my true feelings) on the grounds that it may hurt another person. And then HAVING RATIONALIZED MY PHONINESS INTO NOBILITY, I settle for superficial relationships.

O.k. So there's THAT bryan d

Nifty noodles/Saint Noodle
2/9/02
Bloomington, Illinois (St Johns Lutheran)
Sat through a Lutheran church service to sing one song. I've never been in a whole church service with Lutherans. Wow, a little more structure than I could handle. Singing there felt like talking in the library!

Lutherans as it turns out are borderline Catholics. The service has more of a script than Pentecostal church. The concert here though turned out pretty good. I was comfortable enough to poke fun and do denominational comparisons. "I go to the first Dysfunctional Church on the left" I told 'em ..."it's for recovering Pentecostals".

I believe Jesus finds us no matter what church we go to by the way... I don't think any of us are gonna find out that we were 100% correct in our theology when we arrive on the real scene. That's how I can sing in churches somewhat foreign to my way of thinking. It makes the assumptions in my songs kinda stick out though.

The more I talked to folks the more I liked em. They were honest people. The service before hand didn't allow that view of the congregation. The script is wrote. The songs were from the early sixties. "woke up with my mind stayed on Jesus" was done with a liturgical flare that I thought was pretty stale.

The presentation seemed pretty far removed from the daily grind of reality as I know it. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I ended MY show with Holy Rollin'

O.K. So there's THAT bryan d

Nifty noodles/Noodletown N.Y.
Feb 7 & 8
Pompton Plains, N.J.
It was two nights at a little sanctuary behind a Christian bookstore... I'd been here before. The place seats maybe three hundred when packed. It WAS packed too the last time I was here. The ceiling is low and the sound is just enough to be great. I was browsing in the bookstore just before the gig. The bookstore sells "Christian" socks!!!

I was in an incredible mood to sing. First night there were 50 people. "Nobody's been coming out since September 11" the promoter lamented. (we're just thirty miles from ground zero). The turn out did not effect my mood. The people that did come were like old friends and everything was fresh. I talked a lot and joked of course but my conversation was well seasoned with a new found conviction about my own salvation and what Jesus brings to the equation.

If you live long enough you will face a significant loss in your life soon enough.. A loved one, a job, enthusiasm for life in general maybe? I know my hope and faith has wavered in recent years but it's the very thing that has driven me to pursue a relationship with God in personal earnest.

We caught a bus into New York City next morning to wander around. NYC is a cleaner place and the attitudes are remarkably different these days. I stood on Broadway for my second visit to ground zero, reading the notes from around the world. Sentimental notes, and mementos line the fences. Hand written from people of all ages. T-shirts and hats from an awesome brotherhood of fire fighters and police around this country hang here as well. It is a solemn hour that brings tears to just below the surface, as you look at real pictures of people who were killed here. Surrounded with little written prayers and candles. It brings home the fact that America's loss is real. There is a huge empty space in the skyline here. A gaping reminder that we are vulnerable. Individually, I've never been more aware of that.

Second night we had one hundred people maybe at the show. It was a little more disappointing to me. Especially when I just walked by two million people in Manhattan. It's not because I'd like to look like a successful rock star either. My songs have hope that doesn't even come from me. Never the less I will sing faithfully to whomever God brings. I think personally he's protecting most of the world from my dysfunctional personality ;)

I was hyperactive to a fault at this show, and talking at the speed of light. I had some important things to say but it was almost sabotaged by the wisecracks that inevitably flood my mind. remarks that would follow almost everything.

I quoted the serenity prayer by heart to point out that Jesus is the focus of the original 12 step recovery program. It was a poignant moment. ..."taking as Jesus did this sinful world as it is...not as I would have it... Trusting that he will make all things right if I surrender to his will"... "I pray this prayer sometimes four times a day" I told folks. "of course I'm not facing any particular direction though" I added. We got on the subject of recovery because I was talking about the recovery effort at the World Trade Center. As I sang "if you pray for me" I couldn't help seeing how it applied to anyone who experienced first hand a disaster of this magnitude. Something so demoralizing and unexpected that you not sure what to say to God.

O.K. So I've just been rambling on this report but hey that's why I call 'em Noodles.

O.K. So there's THAT bryan d

Nifty noodles/run away!
2/4/02
Murrieta Hot Springs
I was snubbed this week end when I offered to sing a song at a retreat service. I agreed to sing for free, because I love singing especially in the down time when I'm not playing a lot anyway. I was prepared to sing one song... And at the moment they were introducing me they stopped and ran a video clip. It was followed by an introduction to the speaker for the evening. I'm sure now that this was a matter of oversight and bungling of the agenda. But no one ever said to me as I sat near the front exactly what had happened.

Here is a lesson in the "snowball effect".. Initially I WAS CONFUSED, rerunning the information in my head about the agenda. Then I WAS EMBARRASSED! because I had started up to the stage and then turned around.

Then I WAS HURT because I couldn't believe I had been overlooked. I was looking forward to singing, it is what I love after all. Then I TRIED TO GET OVER IT QUICKLY by telling myself "it's no big deal". I sat through the service without hearing a single word from the speaker. THEN I BECAME OPEN TO MISINFORMATION!

I was thinking, "how insignificant do I have to be to be completely overlooked like this?" and "I must have looked pretty desperate to get my two cents in, I must be pretty needy to have this hurt me like it does" and "where's my spiritual maturity?"

Then I WAS SUSPICIOUS... "Somebody found out what a wretch I am in real life and decided I wasn't fit to represent God on the stage". And the devil's messengers were saying "no one was really interested in your songs...they wouldn't have done this to someone who had real credibility in the Christian world... You are not valuable and you are not needed" (sound familiar? "your nothing special and you have nothing to offer") The voices in my mind became so loud that at a moment of prayer, I slipped out of the service.

"This is what you get when you make yourself available for free". "How insensitive, how rude" I continued to think to myself. And I BEGAN TO BE OFFENDED.

I stood outside trying to work through a simple moment in time that was turning into an emotional discourse on the value of my life! "God wants your heart more than your voice" I tried to exhort myself. "This is probably God's doing... He wants you to listen and not sing at this retreat"... "you are just too proud of your abilities and talents or this wouldn't have bothered you. Now I AM ASHAMED.

I went back to my room and sat in silence. I decided to smoke cigarettes! I AM ANGRY... AND I AM DEPRESSED THAT I COULD SINK SO LOW AND I AM LONELY. I sat on my balcony at a nonsmoking event and smoked a friends cigarettes. I was sinking into the abyss. This is a dysfunctional dance that takes me away from all my real needs. And I do it to myself!

I did not attend the rest of the meetings, knowing full well that I was behaving poorly. But the life had drained completely out of me with all my thought process. I was not capable of absorbing anything new. I was out of the game with this injury.

Eventually a friend found me and reasoned it all out and I knew I had to return to the real world. But I remained isolated from community for way too long. Even my own attempts to find the spiritual high road were not based in truth. I told myself lies and then I believed them.

It started with a simple offense that I did not bring on to myself. Somebody blew it! but I magnified it. There's no easy road around being hurt! you have to work it out and it is more complicated sometimes than you imagine because of all the issues you carry around before anything happens. It is right there in that first prayer God gave to man... "forgive us our trespasses ... As we forgive those who trespass against us. (and be aware of how compounded one event can become)

O.k. So there's that! bryan d

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