Nifty Noodles/ dressed in black

10/26/02 Saturday
San Bernardino, Ca.

Set Free Ministries held a crusade at Stampede Stadium here. I was a last minute addition to the list of heavy metal bands mostly. It was evangelism to real men! praise and worship with a decidedly masculine edge. I'm not sure you could get in unless you were dressed in all black. It looked like a Raider football game! The pastors of the many Set free churches all road in on Harley Davidson's parking on the field behind home plate. I wore all black too and borrowed a leather bikers jacket and wore the Set Free colors.... I make a good looking biker! A little tame by biker standards but the outfit was cool. I played four songs... Including the only ballad of the night... It takes a real man to stand up there and sing something mellow for this crowd!:)

Set Free is a street ministry to say the least... My songs went over well And I only sold 3 CD's! literally folks didn't have the money for luxuries like a CD. I was here because I needed to be here. I did it for the sake of ministry alone and to make myself available to a work of God. They didn't need my help. The Pastors were my kind of people... Unassuming, kind, compassionate. Men who've been wounded in life and found real salvation for themselves. Preaching out of humility.

The call to salvation was answered by several hundred including little children. It was a reminder of the power of an invitation to know God. Even little kids can tell something's missing in there lives.

I was honored to be a part of this work. I left with a heavy heart though. Not sure why... I still lack a passion and direction that I'm confident about... Except the fact that recovery has been my primary motivation personally... I'm recovering from much disappointment. A loss of hope I think. Mostly of what I expected from God and from myself.

I always pray for purpose in life, but I have my own idea in the back of my mind as to what that looks like...and when I get direction from God... It's, well, not very "grandiose". He asks me to be faithful and spend time with him alone and to be willing to be unassuming... That's a long way from the Music business as I've known it.

"Who would I be if I lost everything that makes me feel strong"... This book I'm reading now, Wild At Heart, is really kicking me around these days. It talks about how men desire a battle to fight and a transcendent purpose for life, something beyond themselves... I'm looking for that now after all the years of blowing my own horn so to speak.

I'm embarrassed before God by what he has shown me of myself. I've fallen so short in so many ways. I'm living solely by grace and mercy these days. Maybe that's the best part.

I'm bryan d thanks for letting me share.

Nifty Noodles/ To The Desperate
10/19/02 Saturday
Toured Teen Challenge facilities in San Jose before doing a benefit concert for them with Joy Williams in the evening... The gig was something of a circus with all the different "acts" and special testimonies. Best part is that lives are changed through this ministry. I expected to have a tighter bond with the folks runnin the place because of my own work in Celebrate Recovery. The ministries are not the same and the inside jokes didn't work.

10/20/02 Sunday
Flew in to Denver and drove into the Rockies for an opening event for a new Celebrate Recovery... The gig was similar to the previous night. The focus is different in that Celebrate Recovery suggests that everyone needs recovery regardless of their circumstances in the physical world. Reaching out to the Quietly desperate! Teen challenge reaches out to people in obvious desperation. Both are needed. And I make sacrifices for desperate people. Because I know desperation, especially that desperation for purpose beyond what I can see in this life... It's a lie you know, that 'image is everything'... God's power and purpose is more important than image, but it's more elusive in the daily grind.

10/21/02 Monday
Colorado can not be topped on the list of God's handiwork. The mountains are the most inspiring place on earth in my book. I am speechless before God and his "habitation". I played Golf in it on Monday in Vail, Colorado. I watched the sunset too from the 16th hole and stopped for a family of deer crossing the road on the way out.

10/22/02 Tuesday
Rented a car and drove to Grand Junction for my annual trip, over the river and through the woods to my grandmother's house. She's 94... still living alone and walking around although she spends most of her time doing crossword puzzles. She tells the same stories every year... But the details are "new". I find it interesting and entertaining. Sometimes, recalling the past, she combines stories and assigns them to new characters. I'm taking notes on old age. I can see me in her condition... I'm already showing signs.

She thought I was my dad for awhile when I first showed up. She talked non stop for the first three hours. She prays for 97 family members and calls them by name. She ran the list for me by memory... (Of course she can't remember their names when they're present.) Claims she saw the crescent moon upside down one night. "It's a sign of the last days" she warns. "Jesus is coming soon Bryan". I took her for a little joyride around town. She wanted to go to Burger King. I've been coming here for almost 50 years I thought. This is my childhood memory of a true home as my folks moved several times.

10/23/02 Wednesday
Spent the morning with my grandmother. Of course too, I had time to reflect. Ana's house is on a hill with a view of the whole city and a great view of Grand Mesa to the left and the Colorado Monument to the right. The sunsets are fantastic.

I thought about what things in my life would be hard to let go of. Thinking about how my grandmother holds on to a few familiar things and a small house she sees as the best place in the world. There are new custom homes being built around hers (which is falling apart). " oh I'd hate to live in those places" she says..."they just don't build 'em good anymore"..." Not like my place!" " I'm going out to get the paper" she says at 7:a.m. "if I don't come back I've fallen down!" She's done that too before. The local relatives once called the police to check on her when she didn't answer the phone one morning...when she answered the door for the officers she said "what have I done now?"

The thing is she complains about being alone all the time but doesn't want anyone to live with her in the house and doesn't want to let go of the house and move to a community where she could be involved with some youngsters in their seventies. "Take notes" I say to myself. "We choose to be alone" maybe it runs in my family. I, however am a wanderer but I make the same complaints. I want what I want and complain about the results!

"Call someone new grandma, use the phone beside you as a ministry to someone else. Find another shut in and call 'em! That doesn't take prayin about it just takes effort in a new direction" I told her before I left... I'm having to learn this too... Redefining who I am. I doubt that she will follow my advice... Interesting how we tie the hands of God by the choices that we make to be comfortable in what is familiar... And if you think I'm talking about my grandmother... You'd be wrong.

I'm Bryan d ... Thanks for lettin me share

Nifty Noodles/ Christian Superstar
10/17/02 Thursday

I received an e mailed script of my place in a new book called the Encyclopedia of CCM... Or something like that. Written by one Mark Allen Powell who calls himself an "outsider" writing on the history of Christian Contemporary Music. My only surprise under my name... I was referred to as a Christian Super Star! Well there you Go!... A little respect please from now on folks :-)

I played one of my regular gigs this mid-week at the Orange County Rescue Mission.... Sang to about 40 regulars at the mission. Starting to recognize some of the guys when I walk in, my little beat box in tow and by music tracks on CD.

My whole life makes more sense down here and I'm not sure why. I sound like a preacher almost. I kept wanting to say between every song... "This sounds more convincing from up here than it feels when I'm out there". Perhaps it is the telling of the good news that empowers my own faith.

I feel like I belong in the world when I'm here... I sing without a microphone which is sometimes a little painful. Hitting all the high notes and projecting with the power that is usually assisted by several hundred watts is tough.

I'm finding ways to be connected with other men who are making an effort to change their lives. Everyday is a new day... I love that about life now. My songs make sense even to me when I'm here. Sometimes and some places I wonder how I fit. There is an impoverished point of reference in my songs that I wasn't aware of until recently.

I'm trying to find a new point of reference right now, to write again from a new perspective... It's gonna take longer this time.

Like I told the author of the new book on CCM's history that can be found at Amazon.com for one place... I'm glad to know that we in Christian Music were noticed, if only a little... I was disillusioned about the impact of CCM in the course of things... I've felt invisible all these years....but I hope my story's not over and now I hope that there's more to it than just CCM.

Thanks for letting me share bryan d

Nifty Noodles/ Divine Intervention
10/12/02 Lake Forest, CA
Celebrate Recovery
Divine intervention and the Grace of God is experienced when you show up for ministry in a down mood, exhausted, feeling a little defeated personally and generally under enthusiastic and nobody gets that from the stage. What I got were comments on how I've changed for the better in the last 8 months!

"I don't need this anymore" I claimed. Referring to the attention and approval one gets from performing... "It's still pretty cool though" I smiled. I am so grateful for my "step brothers and sisters" as I like to call 'em. That defines anyone working in a 12 step group to overcome any number of issues that undermine our ability to trust God fully though painful experience.

See the thing is, I come to a place where I can trust God through uncomfortable feelings and circumstances or I can choose to avoid both by creating my own "diversion".... That's not just alcohol and drugs...it can be something as simple as busy-ness...anything that you do compulsively to avoid reality.

You see what I'm getting at? So many people think that recovery is for the obvious addictions. I get a cold shoulder from some church people when I talk about "recovery". It's because they don't see how prevalent our defective tendencies are. Attempts to avoid reality.

I myself have obsessive and compulsive tendencies to a fault and 12 step studies have improved all of that as well as drawn me closer to God... (Step 11 ... We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God...) Not everybody needs a 12 step group. But I do! and the fellowship has been like nothing I've ever known in church... Because of the transparency that comes from working out your salvation in front of others who are not judgmental.

My biggest struggle in the last decade has been a disappointment in God and my expectations of life... It has been so painful that I began to choose not to experience it! Thus leading to that distance from God that you have all seen in me and that mean spirited sarcasm sometimes... Or the emotional self mutilation for lack of something better to say. That my friends... Is un-belief in a very common form in this country!

I have needed someone to love me until I could love myself again... And that never happens without Divine Intervention and the grace of God.

I am falling backwards into the arms of God...fully knowing that I don't deserve to be caught.

I'm bryan d .... Thanks for letting me share.

Nifty Noodles/ Dear God..............
10/3/02 Thursday night
Dear God,
I thought I'd just write, as I was bored tonight, but too exhausted to do anything really. How are things... You happy with your creations? I can't tell from here... For me "it's kind of like the opposite of an Arial view". I've been trying to keep up with you...or at least find your pace... and then suddenly you're behind me... and I had no idea that you had stopped.

I was just wondering if I was pleasing to you? Forgive me for asking but I'm kinda insecure... I guess you know that. I don't imagine you're ever bored yourself as things are constantly in process. I wish I could control a few things myself.

Me? I think I'm outgrowing the whole artist/ rock star thing. I like the friends you've given me recently. They've changed my outlook on what can make me happy. You were right about giving... being more blessed than receiving.

It was great that you showed up at the gig I did this morning In Lake Arrowhead... Thanks for the words you gave me. And that man at Denny's that introduced me to his 4 year old son who can't go to sleep at night without my songs. That was nice timing and a real unexpected surprise.

I know you don't bother to fill me in on the future cause it probably wouldn't make much sense to me even if I knew. I don't mind that you're pulling all the things out from under me that I have trusted in besides you. Still it does make me feel a little lost.

I wanted to remind you of my love for Sarah, the little 6 month old girl at Loma Linda Hospital that¹s waiting for a heart transplant. I'd sure like to meet her when I'm 67 and she's 18, graduating from high school. It would be a grand stroke of your miracle blessing and a demonstration of your grace.

Thank you for the inspiration and the insight... I don't know what I'd do without it. Thought it might have gotten lost in the mail last week.

Well gotta go... Let me know if you need anything from me... I'll be here ya know. I'll try not to get so distracted.

Love, bryan d

P.s. I think I ran into one of your angels the other night at Set Free Ministries over on Sedgewick. He was beaming, kinda hard to miss.

Nifty Noodles/ Show and Stuff
10/3/02 Thursday...
Wednesday David Rowe and I finished up show number five for the Road To Redemption... I had to cut some of the material cause we were way over our 30 min block of time.... This is the first show we didn't end with "Strollin" It's just that in some of the recovery steps there is much to be covered... And recovered I suppose... It's a lifetime of work really and it's hard to lay it out in my little show.... Show five is called "replacing the power train" ... Because you can't improve a defect... It has to be replaced. I managed to find five songs that work for this show but it's getting harder to do...

I may branch out in subject material down the road... I know I want to do "My Kind of Christmas" just my hand picked favorites from over the years. I'm sure I'll enjoy that.

We had made up these cool recovery "chips" that said "Road To Redemption" on them and we were advertising KSGN radio who had agreed to put the show on as a contribution to the community... Well that went up in smoke as they discovered that many of their supporters stopped giving when they went to a more contemporary format.

So there I was with 3000 redemption chips... So I have "redeemed" even the chips! we're putting a silver and red sticker over the radio station I D That says "Radio Rehab on bryand.com" We'll be drilling holes in 'em and running chain to sell them as key chains to off set the cost of production which is minimal but still "cost". Of course if you ask we can give you one if you'd like to carry it around. It says on the flip side, "U R redeemable, anytime anywhere... Don't give up"

In case you weren't aware.... I'm waiting on God right now! I have no idea what the plan is for the future... I'm getting alittle nervous sure... But I haven't been able to control my career in the first place... Imagine now if you will... The frontier is wide open! No one at the record company to blame the direction on. What if I could redefine completely who it is that I am! I've found already that in the absence of pressure to be spiritually correct I've actually pursued a relationship with Jesus of my own free will!

What if God himself were to redefine who I am and what I do... You know I've never fit the marketing campaign ever... I'm sure that's my fault. But I am allowing God to remove these defects of character that I have... And who knows maybe I like the future better than the past.

I'm bryan d thanks for lettin me share.

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