Nifty Noodles/ What The................
Front Office…. End of October 07
Sometimes life is just a board game. I’m moving my marker through the maze… this week I’ve landed on all the bad squares… jury duty… tax audit… and I’m not passin go in the month of November. But I’m closer to putting a house on the one property I own… The new record! Phil Curry and I talked today about the last song to be arranged… “I know the plans”.... I listened to the rough song again today for the first time since I wrote it with John Shreiner several months ago…we need to change the key.. and then the opening lines hit me like a ton of bricks…. “I know what’s easy isn’t best for you”…what amazing ways God has of reminding me in my own words… the truth about living…

I regularly mistrust that there’s a plan in the irregular dishevelment of the daily grind… I’m thinking “whats the difference between faith and wishful thinking”… nothing seems to make sense.. I’m in a place in life that I just plain don’t recognize from the “brochure”. I caught a clip online called “an interview with God”… and it stopped me for a moment…the question to God was “what is the most surprising thing you see in your children?” and God answers.. “they work so hard to grow up and then when they are grown spend most of their time trying to regain their childhood… and they lose their health to make money and then spend their money to regain their health”

What does faith have to do with all this routine?…I’ve read it”s the substance of things hoped for!... that’s it?... my hopes are just overshadowed by my fears… God isn’t comin.. he’s not watching… he’s not involved in this trivial stuff. Faith seems to be missing some facts! And I’m clouding every issue with an argument! “You can hide the facts but you can’t change the facts” Andy Rooney said once.

I read when I get in a panic… I used to hate reading but lately I’m becoming very familiar with that if nothing else. Oswald Chambers hits me again.. “God wants you to understand that it is a life of Faith, not a life of sentimental enjoyment of His blessings” I read that a few moments after I started this little ramble; and then suddenly these words hit me from OC… “Faith in it’s actual working out has to go through spells of UNSYLLABLED ISOLATION.” (hey I can recognize that) And then “never confound the trial of Faith with the ordinary discipline of life..much that we call the trial of faith is the inevitable result of being alive!”

I’m sure it’s no secret that I’m rather defiant… I don’t wanna conform!... but there’s a fine line between bein who you are and flaunting your freedom to spite everybody else… I read my devotional in the morning because I want to believe there’s a bigger purpose in life than goin through the paper trail of routine activity…

My hope is theres a bigger picture but I’ll be damned if I can’t see it right now! You feelin the insecurity of Faith?

O.k. so there’s that Bryan D

Nifty Noodles/ Soul Fires.................
10/29/07 Southern California
I rode Jezebel to all three gigs this weekend.. felt like a Methodist “Circuit Rider”. (church history lesson here… Methodist preachers used to serve more than one assembly and would ride horseback to different towns back in the 1800’s) . But alas I am not a “Minister”… I am a wandering “minstrel”. I’ve been tryin to be honest with myself these days and true to my calling. Anthony Demello (my latest devotional read).. is buggin me… I question his insights even as I recognize some truth and I want to quote him a little here as I look back on this weekend’s dates. He was speaking of “daring to be yourself” and “Refusing to conform mechanically”…his reference point was a verse in Mathew about “becoming as little children in order to enter the kingdom of heaven”.. “only the adult human being is able to be one thing and pretend to be another” he says… obviously he hasn’t considered the Chameleon!

I have never felt so much like a Chameleon in past months myself. Still, here is where Demello is right.. as adults we join the “ranks of the numberless people who say helplessly,’I do not know who I am’ for, having hidden the truth about themselves for so long from others, they end up by hiding it from themselves’ ," “Rather than becoming what God (and Nature) intended them to be…we strive to be “somebody” …”to become successful, famous, powerful…self glorification, self expansion”…”the world---that region of darkness inhabited by grown ups whose lives are spent not in living but in courting applause and admiration”…

Well this sounds a lot like me!... “see how you conform not only in your actions and thoughts but even in your reactions, your emotions, your attitudes, your values” and you lose your innocence “this is the price you pay for the passport of acceptance by your society or organization”. Well yes… this is the “Sinful world as it is”! and the Christian society is not immune!

Santa Maria was my first concert on Friday and I was exhilarated by the ride up the coast highway. I’ve been here before and like always there is something about participating in a recovery effort that is deeply gratifying. The ocean was beautiful but I passed many of the fires burning in southern California this week. And the devastation looks like what some of the fires burning in my own soul are doing right now. California is covered with brush that burns up instantly and leaves almost nothing on the hillsides! Quit a reflection of much human effort as well!

Pacific Christian Center was nearly full by the time I came out to play for their Celebrate Recovery program and my songs felt wonderfully powerful by themselves. My voice was strong and my heart was full. But looking back I’m aware that I am acceptable in this environment.. applauded even!. I was in my element.

I rode home early the next morning. It was cold and we got rained on a little. My joints were aching on the bike. It was a six hour ride. It was a different element but one I’m getting comfortable with.

Next morning I rode my motorcycle down to the center of the worst fires in Southern California history. San Diego… where 2200 homes were burned to the ground at least six people died and over a half million people were displaced for a while. The freeway was a bridge of sorts in a sea of black soot and bareness that took on the essence of a lost planet. I had the company of three companion bikers who were anxious for a morning ride… it was six thirty a.m. when we rolled out of Riverside for two morning church services at Cornerstone church in Poway, CA. “My son is just over that hill in Rancho Bernardo on the fire lines” I told the pastor there. It is one of 14 fires still uncontained.

Cornerstone church is small and I felt like a bull in a china shop…they are slightly conservative but sincere in approach, I was still well received doin' what I do.. my new thing in concert presentations is a series of songs the people can sing along to. “I didn’t make the cut for the worship team” I tell them. But it’s a defiant statement in my annoyance at the cookie cutter presentation of music in most churches… same songs… same as it ever was!. Same words mostly… no experience needed… no insights gained…but then maybe there is an attitude adjustment that comes with these kinds of songs. That may be all that is really intended.. “preparation” for the sermon. And this is where I feel discounted!

By noon I was riding home and feeling the exhaustion of touring on a motorcycle. I had just enough time to eat something and take a quick break before heading out to San Bernardino for a festival of sorts put on by Set Free Ministries. Where the pastors all have motorcycles.. it’s a bike fest as well as an outreach ministry. Berdo is a ghost town on the weekend and the stadium was filled with people closest to the streets. I was there at 4:30 for a sound check to play at 8.

Standing around is not healthy for me. I think too much I think! 8) and I listen to what other musicians are sayin on stage and I get annoyed. I’m competing and comparing my presentation to the rest… and tonight I wasn’t fittin it!... there was a world of variety… rock, blues, hip hop, and gospel…and me… what ever I was…

But the show was running long as all multi bills do and the early acts got to play hour long sets… but by the time I was to go on I was being asked to cut to twenty minutes and then ten…and again it was a five hour sit time to play three songs.

Now I know this isn’t about me.. but it is about my time and what I feel is worth the effort. My songs were completely out of the element and perhaps over the heads of the crowd… I didn’t want to say the same old things being regurgitated with every group… lots of Christianeze… and sermonizing.. just felt like overkill for Jesus. “I won’t be offended if you wanna just cut me out of the event” I told pastor Marty.. “everything has been said fifty times!” I told him.. he seemed a little fried himself. But we settled on three songs. And I opened with “Chains come in every shape and size”… and the dancing crowd just kinda stopped and stood there with this drop jawed expression.. I wasn’t endorsing the program I think… so I followed that with ‘If you wanna be lonely”. I didn’t have time to explain where I was comin from so I had to just trust that someone might resonate with the song alone… but no body was dancing on this one! 8)… “I’m a believer in Jesus Christ”.. I said rather flatly… “and this song is to him”… I closed with “I Love You So”.. and that was that… I couldn’t get out of the stadium fast enough… I felt tired and my presence pointless frankly… I just wanted to go home. And here I am on Monday morning tryin to take a moral inventory of the weekend. Looking for purpose again… and verification of what a calling looks like. I was not applauded at the last gig and is that o.k. too? Was I where I was supposed to be? And Can I live with that?

Churches and outreaches alike struggle to present a Godly context but even in this we tend to forget who we are.. or see what God wants… and questions persist… how much of my calling is simply self glorification and self expansion?

O.K. so there’s that…Bryan D

Nifty Noodles/ Redding or Not...........
Redding CA 10/22/07
It was a three day repeat event at the Neighborhood church… Celebrate Recovery on Friday night was a full house.. and guess what was the big hit.. my first performance of the song I wrote and recorded last week with Phil Curry…”If you wanna be lonely”!... had everybody singin immediately…

“I’m gonna do a few of my own sing-alongs since I didn’t make the cut on the worship team” I told em and I opened with “don’t help the devil”… and then the new tune.. and “it gets better”. Chains went over well too on Saturday night and Sunday morning services.. as a “sing along”… “Chains” bein the only word to sing in the hook…8)

Not gonna do a minute by minute accounting here.. but we arrived in Redding in a pouring rain and I returned to Wind and fire back home on Sunday night. Bottom line… second time around at this church… I had real friends.. who remember the last time I was here.. and they remember jokes we laughed about off stage too… like naming the new project “bite me”… lot of folks requested the song Chains from the new project and they’d only heard it once almost a year ago.. so new tunes are comin into their own.

Dave Hall is the primary coordinator for Celebrate Recovery at the neighborhood church. I started callin him “Super Dave” after this meeting. He’s a psychologist and something of a soul Viking himself… has a real passion for understanding human behavior.. I learned some new big words from him this weekend… “Chiastic parallelisms” was my favorite… couldn’t define it for you here.. just like sayin it..8) but it’s a descriptive terminology for creative writing (found in proverbs for one)…

I also learned from Super Dave that I’m an “extrinsic processor!” that’s why I do the noodles and talk a lot about stuff I have no real clue about! 8)….I also had some fun conversations about “intrinsic and extrinsic motivation” … that highlight two types of conversions! The apostle Paul was Extrinsically motivated to convert to Christianity as a direct result of being knocked on his… aaaah… he was blinded by God himself!

Intrinsically motivated conversions would be someone who thought through the process in their own heart and head and made a choice from their own desire…(I don’t know anybody like that myself) … like contracting type 2 diabetes is an extrinsic motivator to get one to stop drinking.. I believe it is the pain and suffering that make me see my own need for salvation!

I loved the weekend.. received more than I gave here frankly. Thanks to Super Dave.. and hangin with the soon to be Doctor Charles Graham and his wife Vicki… and Dan Janzic .. and the list rolls from their… had great conversations about the freedom to pursue all things new… and pursue fresh insights on life and recovery and spirituality…

O.K. So there’s that… Bryan D

Nifty Noodles/ I am of no Use
Front Office 10/18/07
The thing about writing a song I’m really pleased with is suddenly I realize something I’ve done is good in and of itself… and now I want credit! I want people to see how good it is… “This song could be on the radio”… “it’s better than most everything I’ve heard”… and then comes the post partum aspect.. an awareness that you have no control over who resonates with what you think is great! Nor are you sure that you are not completely alone in this fulfillment!

I slump in to a mild depression…”everything is vanity and chasing after the wind” comes to mind. I have expectations of my talent to bring me validation and money frankly. Maybe this is where I go wrong… the expectation of what comes AFTER the moments of pure satisfaction. There is a short lived “Smugness” about my writing.. I take great pleasure from it. And in my returning humility I seek the face of God again…frustrated and surprised by my unhappiness… I turned to Oswald Chambers this week and I will let you read his words below … fragments.. from the last few days… read all at once they speak to me about my calling verses my expectations and my quick disillusionment.

OZZIE: “the worth of a man is revealed in his attitude to ordinary things when he is not before the footlights”….”it is difficult to get into stride with God…he has different ways of doing things…” “it takes a long time to get there..but keep at it… don’t give in because the pain is bad just now… get on with it.. before long you will find you have a new vision and a new purpose”….

“God allowed Moses to be driven into BLANK DISCOURAGEMENT…. Forty years…he was RIGHT in the individual aspect, but he was not the man for the work until he had learned communion with God”…. “and when we are thoroughly discouraged God comes back and revives the call….our individual effort for God is an impertinence…” “we are apt to look upon our Lord as one who assists us in OUR enterprises for God…” “where we are placed is a matter of indifference; God engineers the goings” “the key is Christ’s Life!... not his kindness and his goodness… the great significance is that He is the propitiation for our sins”… the message is not patriotic…irrespective of nations and of individuals…” “the messenger… has not to proclaim his own point of view… it is easier to proclaim what Jesus Christ has DONE FOR ME”…

“Naturally prayer is not practical it is absurd.. we have to realize that prayer is stupid from the ordinary commonsense point of view”…”suppose the crisis comes… ‘oh I have a special work to do’ we say …No Christian has a special work to do.. A Christian is called to be Jesus Christ’s own… one who does not dictate to Him what he intends to do… he will engineer circumstances and thrust you out”….”Only a child gets prayer answered… a wise man does not” “prayer is a battle; it is a matter of indifference where you are… NEVER ALLOW THE THOUGHT ‘I AM OF NO USE WHERE I AM’.. BECAUSE YOU CERTAINLY CAN BE OF NO USE WHERE YOU ARE NOT….we won’t pray unless we get thrills.. that is the intensest form of spiritual selfishness…”

The particular song I just finished is not even a “gospel’ song… it’s just an acknowledgement that we all have the proclivity to be “WRONG”… and it’s something to celebrate in my mind… I’m not alone in this boat… nobody is right all the time!

I have trouble “being Jesus Christ’s own”….because I’m so aware of my helplessness and my ability to be completely wrong… how embarrassing!.. Personally my prayer would be “let this song be heard”… “let it be received with enthusiasm” and God will surely not bless this selfishness… I am wrong about what I pray for almost always… the first prayer is about self interest… God does not care about this song… it is an “impertinence”! 8) and too my whole life’s work of songs!... virtual mud pies before the great Chef in the sky!.

My second prayer is the one… in my frustration with my own creativity.. I ask him… “so what do YOU want?”… and that is where he smiles at me! This is where the communion begins….

O.k. ….. so….. there’s that! Bryan D

Nifty Noodles/ Pet Peeve's
Front Office…10/16/07…
OK, lets just say I took some teenagers to school today… and I heard what might be the worst music ever … of all time….first it was a rap station.. at least these artists know what they want.. which I can’t even discuss here.. and then came the depressed clueless juvenile station… plays two chord guitar strumming white kids… the highlight was a band called “Rocket Summer” one girl told me.. and after one song… I was ready to shoot myself in the head 8),,,, here’s a sample of the lyric…” You… you… You are so wonderful…I’m so proud of you….when you do…. the things that you do… it’s so… you…” …. “they should change their name to “Rocket Scientist” “ I told the girl… but she likes it! And she’s not listenin to my music… and I had an epiphany … no body really wants insight from someone who’s already been where you are…. We just want someone who is in the same clueless place to commiserate with!!! Someone who sounds as stupid as you are… it’s why baby’s perk up when they hear a voice like their own on cartoons….

I’ve been so wrong,,, I know whats wrong with a lot of Christian music… we’ve been writing lyrics more as a “Life consultant”… than a fellow clueless person.. and hence the song I will work on today for the Still Dancin project….”just when you get a clue and think that yer no fool… life has a funny way of takin you to school!”.....second verse goes… “I’ll try to compensate… I’ve learned a thing or two.. but it’s harder now just putting up with you”… NO BODY WANTS YER ADVISE!... and at least in high school no body wants your EXPERIENCE either!!!! And so I’m not selling records anymore…

People who’ve learned what I have.. are too busy to commiserate with an artist of like mind… it took me fifty minutes to go five miles to drop off a couple a high schooler’s this morning… traffic is lined up.. other disillusioned adults sittin in their cars at the green lights cause they can’t go any further.. being force fed youth crap by their own children.. this is the punishment for our own youth I think…by the end of that time… I had regressed back to jr high… listening to music with the taste and calorie content of a cheese pizza… and I was ready to commit suicide..

I watched a movie the other night…called The Devil and Daniel Johnston… his songs have been covered by over 150 other bands…including Nirvanna .. who’s lead singer put Johnston on the map by simply wearing a t shirt with Daniel’s art work on it. Watching his story you begin to see that he is mentally disturbed.. and that’s what makes him good! Like Van Goeh… just short circuited enough to cut off his own ear….

And I realize that I am not crazy enough to be an artistic genius…I had to admit though that listening to Daniel Johnston’s music .. I was suspended in awe… there was no way to tell what the next word of his songs were gonna be!...it was a musical rubic’s cube.. you had to twist it to find the message that made sense to you… yer listening to incoherent babble tryin to make sense of it.. it’s rather fun.. and this guy got a contract with a major label for a while even signing the contract from inside a mental institution. 8)

Good news is I might still make it to ‘artistic genius’ quality… insanity seems closer now .. just takin kids to school…

O.k. so there’s THAT …. Aaaah youth crap! Is it just me? In my old age? Bryan D

Nifty Noodles/ Lonely
Front Office 10/12/07
Finally found some free time this week… wrote an unscheduled song with the band! Built around a humbling fact… “if you wanna be lonely… just be right all the time”… I’ve had some interesting turns in family life in the last two weeks…can’t give you the details frankly cause some things should be saved for just the people close to you! I forget that sometimes..goes back to my rehab 101 schooling…”if you give everything to everyone… you won’t have something for someone”8)

I’ve been in domestic world as of late… doing “daddy” stuff… coming to the aid of my sons… and my future step daughters…and I’m amazed at the way things come to light spiritually as I am simply “There for them”… it’s sidelines coaching mostly… I’m not the hero in this story.. but I’m liking my supporting role.. there is a calm sort of satisfaction in that I am finding time to be available.

Kid’s are like death and disability in that they are highly inconvenient! Trouble turns up when you least expect! “Everyday is a new surprise” I think is how I put it in a song…. In the new tune “If You Wanna Be Lonely”… the turning phrase before the chorus goes “just when you get a clue… think that yer no fool.....life has this funny way of takin you to school” 8)… It’s a happy smart alec song that will fit nicely with the theme on “STILL DANCIN” or "What I’ve Learned in My Old Age"

Arrogance has a way of disguising itself in our lives.. it’s a chameleon of sorts. As I found my calendar mostly empty in the next two months I began to realize I was gonna have to adjust the definition of myself… I made some calls to ministries I haven’t talked with for many years… I figure maybe some amends are due on my part. Oooh they all remember me of course… but maybe they haven’t seen my recent contrition.

Humility is a coat that pretty much looks good on anyone!

O.k. so there’s that! Bryan D

Nifty Noodles/ Hot Air..........and Past Glory...............
Franklin, TN 10/7/07 The Factory...
I was surprised to be the only music artist to perform at Way FM's 20th anniversary celebration... thought it would be a wealth of old talent over the years but this was a dinner banquet not a festival. It started at five p.m. and went past ten! lots of video footage and speeches. I was asked to do 20 minutes... which included the old airplay lists from the last twenty years... it was a medley of songs of mine they have played. Love takes time/ blue skies/ were the only two I played top to bottom. also I played opening verse and chorus of Strollin on the water, heart like mine, I love you with my life, and included a portion of the first song ever played on WAY FM twenty years ago.. Help is on the way... "I had to go look the song up on the history channel" I told the gathering.. wasn't even sure it was a song I wrote... found a copy of it to play.. it was on a "Glass Master" CD... back before CD players were ubiquitous!

Now this song sounds incredibly dated by the sounds and technology of the time as well... old mixing techniques... (lots of reverb on the drums)... mechanical sounding drum machine and sequencing... and the lyrics? teen themed and endorsing the broadest and simplest point of view of the world as I once saw it!. Now it seems overly simplistic... praise God for coming.. and blame everything else on the Devil!

I've lost some cynicism in the last couple of years.. but playing this gig and lookin back at the olden days, I noted how much I benefited from simply endorsing the safety net of "belief" rather than challenging a pursuit of faith in all it's insecurity... I read somewhere recently that most revolutionary progress has begun with a perceived "blasphemy". I guess there were upheaval's in music style and approach in the last twenty years. But what happens now... where's the risk in music or direction? seems that once we establish something comfortable God must replace the old guard with new people to get a new approach.

But I'm still here...Where do I go from here?.. I feel like Moses... not allowed to enter the promised land for my disbelief at this point... I'm still cynical about what can truly be accomplished ... there's a reason why you can't do everything it seems. the music business has changed with new technology... but I'm not sure the revolution in Christian music is still there...it is as if we expected Christ to set up his kingdom on earth in our lifetime only find that it's once more around the desert...don't know what I expected... maybe significance in my own effort... and God is not in the windstorm... he continues to be in the still small voice!!

O.k. so there's that Bryan D

Nifty Noodles/ Adjustment
Front Office...10/3/07
I got several responses about the last email and that moment of clarity I had.... let me just add... that it's still a short step or two back into the valley.8)...

My new read is Anthony Demello.. who talks about how we set ourselves up with these attachments to euphoric experiences that give us momentary satisfaction and then the mood swing hits us....

In this case though my experience yesterday was a brief but quality overview of a real world. The valley floor has returned under my feet. but "I've been to the mountaintop".. at least once this week. I won't expect to build a home there but it does help me find my way when I'm down below. "Awareness"... the real ingredient to a spiritual life.. is the way "A.D." puts it.... And lets not forget Oswald Chambers...(the real OC) in a "two out of three preachers" agree.... October 1st... Ozzie says "we have all had times on the mount, when we have seen things from God's standpoint and have wanted to stay there.. but God will never allow us to stay there." " the test of our spiritual life is the power to descend..!!!"

How timely is this? once again there is that "lining up" of the airplanes visual as I attempt to stay aware of reality.

O.k. so there's that! bryan d

Nifty Noodles/ Released
10/1/07 Front Office
I can still remember when the word "unraveled" was my primary discription of my life. Staring at the stars tonight, and counting the planes lining up in the sky on final approach to Los Angeles Airport, I could feel a kind of new life lining up in side me... a relief, like when a tornaquet has been loosened. and you can feel the blood rushing to your extremities. I feel like twenty again. Except that my knees beg to differ. I have been released from some kind of martyrdom.

I still carry the awareness of insecurity and fear but I've lost a stranglehold on what I cannot change. Had the most profound of moments today. My youngest son's car gave up the ghost and in a rare phone call a week ago he asked for my help. Today I paid for a new (used) car that was so perfect for his needs that I couldn't find an ounce of buyer's remorse even as it nearly cleared my "back up" money account.

My ex wife glows when her childred are cared for! and my oldest son joined me to make a final decision as his brother was working till three a.m.. after handing over the check and clearing the paperwork. I followed my number one son to his mother's work place so that she could see the car we picked up for our number two son. We left the car for her to take home as our youngest was using his mother's car to get to work at Disneyland... (he's now in the parade). She was clearly impressed with the effort and a near brand new Hyundai.. a zippy little number that gets thirty plus miles to the gallon.

It was the first time my former wife has hugged me out of real appreciation in as long as we've been divorced. The fact that any ex has room for that is a testimony to the grace of God in two broken lives I think. Her thoughtfulness did not go unnoticed. I was a proud father at that moment, husband or not... this is my family. whom I will always care for! I can see that now after much recovery effort on my part. God is adding something to the equation that is compounding my joy.

I had to drop off my oldest son back at his truck. Brandon rode on the back of my motorcycle with me... it was the first time, and he loved it. We stood in the parking lot joined by his mother who had to bring him his keys as he left them in the new car. ... and then there was this satisfying moment where I felt completely fullfilled and whole... healed maybe. I knew that there was a place for me in their lives regardless of what the paper work or the definitions say has happened.

I joined my soon to be new wife for dinner a few hours later... and told her how good it felt to have regarded my family in such a way. and she was also warmly pleased.. and we spoke of having my sons over for Christmas dinner this year... and perhaps but maybe not really soon, "I might learn some baking tips from your ex..." as she has a real talent for that.

I have been kicked out of one garden so to speak... but in God's grace he's allowed me to visit even as he has restored a place for me in a new garden. God is doing for me what I could not do for myself, and somehow today.. everything has changed. We are finishing up background vocals on a new song for the "Still Dancin" project.. called "Things You Bring to Me"..."reachin out to me to draw me in" I sing in this one... and tomorrow I will put a reference vocal track on a love song called "You Keep me Coming Back"... that will leave one song to work out arrangements on .. "I Know the Plans I Have for You" I sing in the obvious biblical reference from Jeremiah. "Only for Good"... "Only for Good"

I am a wonderful monument to God's grace... he can still draw a straight line with a crooked stick!... and I am overwhelmed at what he has placed in my heart to give to others after all this time. I never knew love could feel so good....Sweet healing.... you can barely see the scars for the new skin!

O.K. so there's that.... Bryan D

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