Nifty Noodles/ Refusing to Trust

9/30/04 Riverside, CA
They say when the pain of no change becomes greater than the fear of change… then we do something about it. For three years I’ve been sitting still trying to figure out which way to go in my life. It was good time spent working at recovery issues. But things are beginning to move now and some of it is because of recovery. “I cannot continue to do the same things and expect a different result”. This applies in every direction not just addictive behaviors. Recovery is about facing pain and addiction is about avoiding it.

The pain I’ve faced in recent years has revolved around not getting what I want in God’s timing and I have rushed to fill the gaps much in the way the Children of Israel did while Moses was on the mountain writing down the guidelines and procedures with God. There is a time to wait in the desert and there is a time to get up and move. I have not wanted to embrace the future in the last few years because I defined myself always by “ who I used to be”… but when the past looks happier than the future you have a problem.

It is hard to let go of my small definitions of life and look to “God as I understand him”… he’s always out of my box.

I have in the past opted for safety and security at the cost of real living. But like my son told me the other day “That’s what’s wrong with the whole world Dad…everybody’s afraid to embrace change”… That’s my son nearly a third my age and filling me in on the truth. Here’s the deal, my biggest defect of Character may well be that I refuse to TRUST … God or anyone else around me… and it freezes me in place and I adopt behavior that changes what I say I believe. You’ve probably heard this stuff on my radio show… but it is still dawning on me… the things I’ve yet to learn even though I’ve memorized the details! It’s the same as memorizing scripture and not applying it!

All said now for the first time in my life I am asking for your prayers and God’s guidance toward the future to pursue a personal faith that comes with facing giants like the fear of the unknown. In my personal moral inventory I’ve been very narrow minded about my life even while I resented the definitions and boundaries laid out by others. I do want to be the man God intends for me to be tomorrow… but I have to let go of yesterday to get there. And that seems really terrifying sometimes. I have always been a “gospel Singer”…

What a pathetic definition of who I am at heart. I have sabotaged my own faith in a powerful God who loves me and leads me because I refuse to be led!

Pray for my willingness to trust God with everything even if this makes no sense to you. I hope you will see a difference in my life that matters in the end and reflects true redemption…. Thank you for participating in my life even if it is only to read my thoughts and consider a bigger picture for yourself.

O.K. so there’s That…. Bryan Duncan

Nifty Noodles/ Meanwhile back at Cool Headquaters

9/26/04 Still In Houston
It’s great to play in the same area for several gigs but it also comes with a lot of down time, standing around time. Spent hours at the hotel, On the phone, on the computer, fanning channels… my best efforts still feels like incarceration for my A.D.D. personality.

We wandered the Mall but I’m not a shopper… went to Denny’s… went to Starbucks… Houston is flat as a pancake. Absolutely void of scenery. It feels like there should be a beach just a couple miles from this street light….but no.

In the evening I finally got to play again, this time at C.O.O.L. headquarters. They have offices with a mini sanctuary in one room. Seats maybe 100 people. Waiting to play for me is like standing in line at the bank. I imagine I put way too much focus on the satisfaction I get from singing. I played for 50 minutes of what turned out to be a two and half hour affair. Of course I cannot stay in one room that long.

I paced outside and talked to the recovering newcomers who stepped outside to smoke. I am definitely tired but it’s an exhaustion that comes from being disconnected from my own familiar surroundings and that “on hold”, what time is it here? jet lag . It’s a no mans land. I lose focus on the bigger picture and lapse into a vegetative state. Can’t reach most of my friends on the weekend by phone. I am disoriented.

Negative thought process ensues. A battle to maintain a positive perspective. Try to dream about the future but it tends to read from here like a projection of more fatigue. Went back to the hotel around midnight slept till 11 the next morning.

O.K. so there’s that…. Bryan D.

Nifty Noodles/ Live at the Rockefeller

9/25/04 Houston, TX
The Rockafeller Hall is a famous old club facility in Houston… kinda art deco.

C.O.O.L. Ministries is a recovery outreach based in Houston and we hooked up to do a fund raiser.

Cool is short for “Christ Over Our Life”…

I was on the local Christian T.V. show here with the head of COOL, Boyd Harrell.

He was as crisp on camera as a newscaster and just as articulate about the 12 steps and their biblical comparisons.

Also in the interview I was able to add that problem dependencies extend far beyond drugs and alcohol.

The gig that night at the Rock… came complete with a great dinner. My portion of the night was fraught wish gliches…and program announcements and give aways… don’t think I sand more than three songs in a row without interruption. It was an annoyance.

All in all though the hang time and the folks in attendance were My kinda people!

I had a lot of time to stand around though and I went next door, what I thought was a liquor store turned out to be something of a drug paraphernalia novelty shop. Boyd Harrell had given me a custom made recovery coin designed for a necklace. In scripted on the back was Radio Rehab Cool. I loved it so I was looking for a necklace to put it on… thought it was funny though that my recovery coin was hanging from a bathtub chain that came with a “roach clip” when I bought it.

I talked though to the girl at the counter.. she said she was in state ordered recovery and had 45 days clean. I returned to give her a copy of Radio Rehab as I had told her I was playing next door. (I think I kinda didn’t fit the neighborhood here if you know what I mean) So she was curios to my presence.

I pace and wander when I’m waiting for the chance to sing… assuming singing is my calling but I never know fully God’s purpose in where he takes me. It feels like the wilderness sometimes… but I sat on a bench outside the Rockafeller and talked to the catering help as I waited and one girl confided her intimidation of “these God people”… her feelings were only offered because I was not articulating for God myself. I was merely waiting. It’s just like God to whisper in the incidental experiences.

O.K. I’ll be back… Bryan D

Nifty Noodles/ Off Roading at Pathway

9/18/04 Sunday Pathway Christian Church in Riverside.

Kerry Decker is the pastor here and they recently parted company with their music leader…I was asked if I could help out in some way… not sure, but I offered to sing on one Sunday to fill in.

So I get there and Kerry is out of town… and I was given the whole service (Sermon section and final prayer) Wow who would leave me in charge of something like this… surely not a sane man!

Of course the church folks knew he was out this week… and at least half of THEM didn’t show up this week. Guess they thought it was a day off for them to. The Econo Band died the night before so I had purchased a cheapie CD player to cover the tracks… and it wasn’t professional enough to get the job done… so once again I was forced to play tracks from the back.

The CD tracks are skipping too and I’m being forced to change technology again I think. This is how I make progress… I wear out my welcome where I am and I’m forced to move on just through shear dilapidation!

I opened the morning service with “I’m a recovering unbeliever”… talked about how the hardest thing to believe in the Bible is not the virgin birth or the resurrection from the dead… it’s this “Is there a God and does he really Love Me! “ I played I love you with my life.

And from there proceeded with selections from the tracks. I talked more than I expected as the sound was anemic. I spoke of my own struggle with “Self Righteousness and Hypocrisy” and set out to redefine what that really is as we all have in our mind the picture of some spiritual prig… but it’s not us!

“The Bible isn’t a magic book full of “Recitations” we can use to cast spells and relieve pain whenever we want… it is simply the truth waiting to be applied… and it works when you get it…” it’s not a mantra to be chanted… but rather truth to be taken to heart.”

“God is not grading on a curve” I said toward the end “Your efforts without his gift will never qualify for a passing grade”…

I’m sounding like what I used to hear but it carries a different weight to me these days….

I closed with the Serenity Prayer and everyone was dismissed….

There were two services but you coulda got every one in the room for one and had room to spare. I know people were listening and some where impacted by my insights. But this is not a calling for me I don’t think… granted I told God recently that he had my permission to not tell me everything he was gonna do… “JUST SURPRISE ME” I said… and I’ll trust you as I can. So today was different… wouldn’t wanna make a career of it…. Had several people leave during the second service and I couldn’t help but notice.

I’m not ready for my clerical collar yet… but it was in line with God’s will I think… and I don’t know why….

Keep coming back…. Bryan Duncan

Nifty Noodles/ Same Discovery Different Place

9/12/04 Elk Grove, CA
We flew on 9/11/04… don’t know what the big deal is… but boy the airport was empty.

I’m here again at Discovery Church to sing at the grand opening of yet another move. I think these guys are closing in on the children of Israel in the wilderness.

Perhaps they should think about a portable sanctuary. Here’s a new twist, the pastor quoted from one of my Nifty Noodles on redefining myself. It just happened he was doing a sermon on the subject. Two services and Ice cream afterwards… and in the twinkling of an eye I was back in the airport.

Hows that for short and sweet. OKC ya….. Bryan D

Nifty Noodles/ Twin Cities Demise

9/11/04 Riverside, CA
IF you haven’t noticed the website lately you’ll notice that Twin Cities has been discontinued. We had a legal problem as a result of not getting signed releases from everyone on stage at that live concert. We had not intended to release a live record but it came out so good we thought we would make it available. Unfortunately the details in preparation were not taken care of before moving ahead,

So we have decided the best course of action is to drop the project. The reality is that Twin Cities was a step in the right direction which led us to the filming of a concert in Nashville… and the discovery of players that far exceed the name “all star” as a band… So good were they together that I talked with them about forming a more perfect union…. And suddenly there was a new name.. The NehoSoul band.

This has been a natural evolvement that I had not really pursued… and suddenly what was meant to be a look at my past songs from a live perspective and an attempt to encourage bookings of my live concerts… turned into an introduction to a new future and an introduction of a new band with an old singer! O.k. lets just say “seasoned” or ‘Veteran”. Suddenly I’m realizing a bigger picture and finding a new hope for the future and new possibilities.

Twin Cities Live is now becoming a misrepresentation of the new entity as many have thought The “all star Band” was the same players as now.

It seemed incongruent to sell it as a recorded version of what is now happening live. So when we began to run into trouble with Twin Cities in legal obstacles… it seemed only natural to let it go as we had never managed to get a distribution deal to work either. I am learning a whole new reality in the music business.

One must pour the foundation before building the house. Twin Cities Live copies sold to date will become something of a rare collectors item I imagine. so if you have one… keep it… maybe it’ll increase in value in a few years on ebay,

Like I say on the new more focused Live DVD we plan to release in a few months … “What if my plan B is really God’s plan A all along?”

Stay tuned for “Music City Live” With Bryan Duncan and the NehoSoul Band… and God willing this will open the door to a new release of all new material to an all new market. Unless of course we don’t get all the paperwork in order.

O.K. So theresthat….. Bryan Duncan

Nifty Noodles/ Touring Hemet

9/11/04 Hemet, CA
I broke down on the way to the gig for the first time since I stopped touring with Sweet Comfort Band. The “Rhino Chaser” overheated and a friend had to make to quick repairs of the water hose and discovered a crack in my radiator. I was an hour late for sound check.

Hemet is a little “Chicken ranch” in the desert. It’s 40 minutes east of Riverside and today it had to be 104 degrees at 5 P.M.

But Who knew there was a beautiful side to this town.

Valle Vista AG Church has a brand new building they wanted me to play in. The sanctuary has an open widow view of the Idlewild wilderness and the mountains that is breathtaking.

Until now the only thing Hemet brought to mind for me was it’s popularity among Meth- amphetamine producers.

“Crystal Methodists”… as one guy in recovery put it. I played for about two hours and I was as giddy as I can remember… I had friends here that I went to college with. They had pictures too of me dressed as “cupid” for a Valentines banquet… curly hair and diapers… and a little bow and arrow… Man the stuff I did for attention back then. Kinda makes me wish I would have found “recovery” a little sooner.

The whole time here I thought … “they’ll never have me back”…. “I don’t quite fit the Assemblies of God routine” but the response was pretty surprising as the audience during the show was very quite… we were in the Sanctuary after all.

Lot of my Recovery group friends came out and some drove across the state for the concert… surprising again.

Had two other churches ask about having me in… wow maybe we can do a whole tour and never leave Hemet!

I had to miss my oldest son’s UCLA graduation and Paramedic Certification from Daniel Freeman Medical Center to be here. But I have to work to make that education possible … Congratulations Brandon Duncan… I’m proud of you son. You’ll see him on the new DVD by the way… buggin me about taking “the Car”.

O.K. so there’s That…. Bryan d

Nifty Noodles/ Santa Paula

9/5/04 Santa Paula, CA
There’s a centrally located park in the old part of town… every town has one probably. It’s a rough neighborhood these days. I looked a little shiney perhaps even pulling up here.

The pastor of the small church caddy corner is a believer in recovery. And I volunteered to sing in the park as an outreach. It was the hottest day on record here in recent years and although the stage faced the middle of a grassy lawn. The few hundred people here were back in the trees giving even more of a sense that few were attending.

There was a really loud MC who was down right obnoxious in his “Christian delivery” just before me. I went on not wanting to say anything. I was off to a rough start too with technical glitches. And I felt very much like the middle class white boy telling the hard class minorities how it’s supposed to be. There was an air of cynicism on the perimeter. I closed my eyes and sung my songs putting full faith in the music (which I also thought… isn’t even popular with this crowd). A million negative thoughts ran through my mind. A couple people left after only a few songs.

I was filling in the blanks poorly… imagining what the opinions were too… self conscious. The wind was blowing the diesel fumes from the generator straight into my lungs making me nauseous but I continued. Teen Challenge had many at the gig and there was enthusiasm eventually. But I think some Religious recovery programs are so over the top in their presentation of Jesus Christ as THE higher power … I felt down right anti Christian. Then I left the high energy songs behind and went into “I never Lied To You”…with no real introduction…. And I looked up and three men were weeping and soon a few women. I followed that with a little commentary on making amends to others without expectation of forgiveness… and how good it is when just once someone grants you the freedom of a loving response… there’s nothing like hearing someone say “you’ve hurt me but I still Love You”…. “You won’t hear it a lot”…. I said and I played “I Love You With My Life”… and those shedding tears were suddenly on there knees.

The point here is not that I made something happen. That was not my intent. I was happy to leave the stage. What it was is that … these people touched me for a moment with something that is hard to belittle in anyone… Genuine sorrow and brokenness. You don’t see that a lot either. I can see why God would respond so well to that himself.

With all the “redefinition” going on in my own life… I don’t know what to say here… there has been much about religion that has been down right destructive to my life.

But what do I do with this… Right when I say to myself I wanna go find a new audience because I was eventually “dismissed” by mainstream CCM.

I’ve been looking forward to a new world to go with my new soul… but I can’t deny some of the realities of God’s work in people’s lives even among the religious Zealots.

Maybe they start out making Christ their new addiction… but we all get it wrong everyday… we all misunderstand who God is and what he wants of us.

I’m tired today and lonely… and I drove a long way to this gig… and it was a long way home. I felt no personal satisfaction in this work this weekend. What I feel is genuine sorrow for the mess I’ve made over the years… and brokenness… and right in the middle of it… there is someone who is saying to me… “You’ve hurt me… and I still Love You”.

Keep looking up and Keep Coming back…. Bryan Duncan

Nifty Noodles/ Goodbye's

9/3/04 Friday Riverside CA
Went to my Celebrate Recovery meeting tonight just as a man in recovery no participation on the stage. We were saying goodbye to the leaders who started this program at Bethel Christian Center. Max and Ruthie Thomason started CR here and they have both found new employment elsewhere seeing a need for change in their own lives.

Some great things were said as one by one people in the recovery program talked about the changes brought about by the program the Thomason’s began.

“I came to recovery cause my kids were out of control” …. (discovering HE needed the program) Mark

“ the biggest fear in Recovery … is change”…. Ed

“Thank you for holding me when my heart was broken”… Laticia

“if you continue to do what you’ve always done… you’re always gonna get what you always got”…. “sometimes hope for the future comes only with change” … me

There were other great things said… I love recovery people!! They just make you wanna hug somebody….

I had mixed feelings about all this good bye stuff… Max and Ruthie were the first people I ever told my real story too outside the safety of my own recovery group and Riverside Bethel’s CR is the first community I’ve ever built longer friendships in… everything changes and God moves us around… all of us… nothing stays the same… I will have to make some decisions too about my program and maybe keeping some friends but plugging in to a new CR for support.

Keep looking up and keep coming back…. Bryan Duncan

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