Nifty Noodles/ Down on the Farm
9/23/06 Nashville, TN
The flight in was “Mr Toads wild ride”. Weather was a problem. Upon arrival at “Sweet Springs” in Smyrna Tennessee.. the clouds were dark, and blowing around in every direction. They were accompanied by lightning and rain and toronado warnings. The venue is at a former farmhouse way off the beaten path.. there was not a neon sign for at least thirty minutes 8). The gig was scheduled to be an outdoor event 8)… next to a pasture that still had some twenty cows milling around. I thought about opening the show with the theme music from “twister” … but in a sane moment agreed to take it inside.

Truth is … twenty people came to this event…maybe should have included the cows. We set up in a living room at the local historic farm house. Now this falls under the heading of never been done before kinda gigs. They had little tables set up so it was a lot like an extravagant coffee house setting and it went well but not terribly worth the cost of the event to the promoter. Never the less, a new direction might have been facilitated in this financial failure as Ray Ware, my manager showed up and found it to be a great venue for “songwriter in the round” type presentations.

Songwriters and singers love to come to intimate events held in just such surroundings. So the Sweet Springs event could be pursued In the future as a delightful place to present new material for perusal. And that is what I did with it as well… singing all my new guitar songs and all the newest recordings from the NehoSoul project including for the first time ever the song “don’t leave me in the dark”… a new love song that I just finished the vocal for. It has still yet to reach final mix down. As sexy sounding as the recorded version is of this tune…I managed in this “Christian” environment to “sanitize” the feelings so as not to make myself uncomfortable in my public setting.

There is an unspoken rule in the Christian world not to trigger any passion that is not Spiritually safe. Obvious reasons come to mind.. but then I still see how we end up hiding our sexuality to some extent because it is never addressed except to point out the evils of sensual motivation... I am not defending any point here. I’m just aware of my own embarrassment.. that I have a passion to pursue someone other than God himself… and there’s a Pandora’s box looking to be opened. (no pun intended) Wow don’t know what to do with the subject most of the time.

But in my pursuit of a right standing with God on all fronts this to me seems to be a primary point of interest and opposition to “spiritual motivation”. Can God and Sex be addressed in the same music successfully? Without looking wayward? Sex is a primary focus of much “recovery” in church circles these days and I haven’t wanted to be the poster child for it’s resurrection. This is where grace is often mentioned… in the context of lustful thoughts… and when does God actually smile on the desire one has for a member of the opposite sex… long story there… not gonna fit in one song either… but my first attempt at singing about a desire for a real connection that is romantically charged has been a long time coming.

But like I’ve said to myself lately “I have nothing left to lose… and everything to recover from”. The things that have brought me down in the past were those things I remained in denial about and refused to confront with God, Myself and at least one other person … someone I trust” . So mark this moment in my life as a significant change in my thinking.

I am in a paradigm shift again I think…

I will also add, that I sung a song from the NehoSoul Christmas CD .. written by someone else… called “peace”… it was the highlight for me really… and the best of bottom lines in presentations…. “I have come from so far away … down the road of my own mistakes… in the hope you could hear me pray … oh lord … Keep me in your reach”. To me this has much to say about the road I’m on now and what I am willing to address in songs in the future….

Let us not lie to ourselves! Or as the 13th commandment says… “thou shalt not kid thyself”…8) Bryan D

Nifty Noodles/ Big Sky at Night
9/22/06 Billings, Montana
It’s been months since I left the state on a flight to a real bonified full solo concert with a real audience! Man I was grateful. I do so many “partial” presentations now as part of another agenda. Two or three songs for this and that… but this was a “just me” concert start to finish… presented by Celebrate Recovery at Faith Chapel in Billings…sure there was a common agenda .. to present the issues of recovery and celebrate the pursuit. But is was left entirely in my hands at the presentation level.

The show actually felt long to me as I got to sing everything I could possibly think of and say whatever I decided… wow… maybe too much power for me to handle I was thinking. Suddenly I couldn’t think of single impressive thing to say about recovery to convince people that it is legitimate…. And then I thought… “that’s a mistake anyway”… to think you can convince someone of their own needs… all I can do is “tell my own story”… and let people decide what they will respond to.

Never the less I was in a great mood, feeling very “great full”…for a chance to do that. And it all came to me after one cancelled flight and an all day long list of delays in the airport to get there… I arrived thirty minutes before the concert.. it was cold and raining and dark… and no time for a sound check. Also discovered that Compassion International representatives had shown up expecting me to “present” the issues of a sponsorship of another kind. As I’ve agreed to present that agenda to my “regular concert” presentations… problem is I don’t have any of those anymore… nearly all of my concerts are attached to the Recovery programs around the country… and I felt bad that I could not make that presentation without losing focus on the primary event.

It worked out though as they did get some sponsors for children in other countries. After all, It was a “general public” mostly, that I was singing to. Some had driven from surrounding cities in Montana and Idaho to attend. I’m grateful to find any audience this year and it’s hard not to wanna put everything you can in front of em. But saying “I found addictions AFTER finding Christ” seemed to be more than some could comprehend by itself… how do you “bury the lead line” there anyway.

Bottom line… Man I enjoyed this gig… it was good to do something I took for granted only ten years ago…I’m not looking to go backward here.. but now I see how good I had it at one time… and it still wasn’t enough obviously.

O.K. so there’s that! Bryan Duncan

Nifty Noodles/ Standing Up
9/17/06 West Coast Office…
I had an epiphany today. I talked again to a man who opened a can of worms with me inadvertently in a comment over the phone about “believing in deliverance” that sent me into a mental spin I can’t describe. But I’ll turn that “description” into “DE scribble!” now for you. With all humility and grace I addressed the issue directly with this preacher in my next conversation with him after much thought.

“I’m put off sometimes” I said “ by the inference in the word “Deliverance”… it suggests an instant fix to me…. and that has never been my experience…”

“I gotta tell you here, that looking at my own brokenness now, I’m not sure I ever needed instant deliverance… I’ve learned everything about humility and compassion for other hurting souls because I was not transformed quickly by a miraculous healing”. “you remember all the lepers Jesus healed? Well only one of them came back to Jesus afterwards”

“ the truth is Jesus didn’t heal everybody… lets get that straight…and you can blame that on someone’s ‘lack of faith’ but I ain’t buyin that chili! GOD DOESN”T NEED MY FAITH TO HEAL ME! “

Maybe God isn’t doing us any favors by removing the “thorn in our flesh”… he forces me to find the will to overcome the obstacles and find a better position with him because of my brokenness!

And today it dawned on me, as that conversation opened a door of real honesty with this guy, That maybe even those who throw that spiritual jargon out there are trying to appear more spiritual than they really are. Maybe they too do that as an insecurity around others. Sure great, some people claim instant healing from addiction. So maybe they move on to other things.. but I think the people who mean something to me are the ones who continue one day at a time to overcome “handicaps”. They offer me hope where someone who’s transformed just leaves me feeling left out…like I don’t matter as much to God. I should just give up on the whole thing.

It also dawned on me today that I have never stood up for the way I believe! I’ve always just retreated into that passive aggressive bad attitude I’ve been known for. I never thought about standing up for what I believe before! Sounds really odd comin from a 53 year old man who’s been under the thumb of an invisible church entity… that “church” is an apparition! , a scape goat to blame so I don’t have to be responsible for my own faith and my own happiness.

In the end I actually felt alittle closer to this man because I gave him permission too to say that “well some things in my own life aren’t fixed”… and when I hung up with him… I felt a kind of power and satisfaction that left me exuberant on a number of levels. I had a determination to pursue the great adventure with a new enthusiasm. I’m looking through “a glass darkly”.. but I’m gonna look for myself and see what it looks like to me! Maybe we’ll compare notes later but this is my take…

O.k. so there’s that… Bryan d

Nifty Noodles/ Oh my my...
9/15/06 Friday/ Patrona Studio, Riverside,CA

I just finished putting the lead vocal on an almost finished version of “don’t leave me in the dark”… Patty Cabrera is engineering and “comping” my lead vocals and I’ve never had a better finished product! Ever! Jeff Dykstra helped dial in the sound and in two hours we had a lead vocal on the first ever intentional “Love song” ballad I’ve ever recorded! It’s a song I’ve written with Bob Carlisle. Written to be something Bonnie Raitt might sing but it came out so right that I decided I’m gonna sing this myself.

It’ll send chills up your spine from the first measure. Before the first verse the groove is there thanks to Phil Curry’s production, and I enter with an emotional “al Green” opening lick that will make you wanna grab yer partner and slow dance…Oh my, it’s absolutely off the hook!!!

This will show a side of me no one’s ever heard before now! I ain’t braggin.. I’m just sayin.. you’ve never heard anything like it before now. Makes the hair stand up on my arms. This is the second time I’ve worked with Patty Cabrera in the studio. You might remember her as a Contemporary latin pop singer in Christian music a few years ago… well she’s got an ear for a good vocal presentation and she works a studio board like an ace.

I have found the perfect fit for recording my vocals local… what a God send that is… done in a couple of hours and home in ten minutes… I’ve had to drive hours or fly for days to find my place in the sun before now… I can hardly wait to work on the next song at Patrona Studio. Wait till you hear this… you’ll have to wait though cause there’s still back ground vocals and sax parts to add.

In the mean time… please pray that we will find the money to finish this project sooner than later. The music is on fire.

O.K. so there’s that… Bryan D (lead singer of the Nehosoul band)

Nifty Noodles/ Shooting the Wounded
West Coast Office 9/15/06
Lot of good things happenin this week with Radio Rehab… and improvements on the sight. I’ve started show number 44 now… and it’s going slow as I have to learn something for myself before I can write my thoughts on it… I’m responsible to find my own interests…that’s the name of the show I’m working on.. and even as I look for music that fits… I’m discovering that I’m finding my own interests even as I do the show.

The reason I’m doing this next series is because I’ve been really struggling with things people say to me that seem to put me on the defensive and make me feel unfit, unlovable, incapable and so on… among even my closest friends there’s this “when are you gonna get your act together” kind of “inference” occasionally… or maybe that’s already in my head as something I’ve trained myself to hear but it’s effecting my sense of happiness.

So I had a phone conversation with a man who was interested in my music for the first time. And at some point he stated flatly… I believe in “Deliverance” and went on to explain how “Once we’ve laid hands on you… you don’t ever have to deal with addiction again”… “well I’m glad that’s worked for you” I said “but with all due respect.. that hasn’t been my experience”… (of course he has never laid hands on me either 8) )… it’s rather enthusiastic to see yourself as having this kind of power I think.

He also made the common comment “Christians are the only ones who shoot their own wounded” as he tried to come along side me… which is not true by the way… but let me just say, there are more ways to shoot the wounded than people assume. The comment summons up the imagery to me of people saying awful things to you or kicking you out of their membership or emotionally disconnecting from you because of your sins… but right now it has dawned on me that I’ve been shot to death more from the “concerned” for my benefit type of shot gun…

Elizabeth Brown calls em “I care” missiles!

The inference that I am standing in the way of my own healing is one… cause if you are still struggling and yer not healed… well it’s obviously your lack of faith … well you just don’t believe. I think there are more bullets in me from this “spiritual concern” than any other kind of shrapnel. Once again my lack of faith has rendered God helpless on my behalf! One things true for sure …. God won’t remove my will in any process… and yes I do revolt against “willingness” to believe… but it’s mostly because I don’t wanna be as intrusive and belligerent as the believers who fire missiles off with all the insensitivity of a machine gun.

The best ways of killing the wounded seem to go unseen…. It’s the real high powered rifle where you don’t know for several minutes that you even been hit… and you can’t for the life of you understand why you are on the ground and you can’t seem to move.

I wish I could be instantly healed from emotional wounds of my long past… but then I think… my pain has been a catalyst for greater things in my life… suffering is not always a bad thing… one thing I know for sure… I cannot heal myself but I can learn to walk with a spiritual limp…that humility makes it hard to lay hands on other people too…

O.k. thanks for letting me share… I’ll go back to work now… Bryan D

Nifty Noodles/ Local Gig
9/8/06 Crossroads Church of Corona, CA
Did a little volunteer work for a recovery group in my local area… about thirty minutes from my house… hadn’t played music here in about two years… I remember meeting a guy in recovery here who rolled in on a gorgeous Low rider Harley… he was still a member of an outlaw bike club called the Hessians. Never saw him again but this time… had some 20 members from the Black Sheep club… (an “in-law” type group I guess) . but there were riders from a lot of neighboring cities… as far away as Hemet, Temecula, and Lake Elsinore.. it was so outrageously cool to see all the bike roll up in the parking lot.

It was so cool to feel that kind of support from friends too. I’ve found my new “in laws”. I’m not a member yet… but I told em I might start a club for guys like me who hang around the black sheep.. we could be the Sheep Dog’s 8)….. went for coffee with the Sheep after a short main meeting for Celebrate Recovery at Crossroads. The men in charge of CR here at Crossroads were of great caliber too… well spoken and naturally accepting and affable.

Sometimes I forget how good it feels just to sing because I believe in recovery and a bigger picture and I want to offer the best I have in the way of talent all for a great cause.

It’s recovery for me to give back to the program that has brought some reasonable happiness back into my life. “I was in a rehab center right down the street from this church some 16 years ago” I told em…. I’ve learned how to fight my own negative brain waves…(I don’t always win mind you 8) ) But my thought processes embrace more grace to myself than they used to and because it’s helped me.. I can say that to someone else.

Black Sheep is my new community these days… at least on the weekends I’m not working. Recovery groups are the best concert presentations in my mind as well… I got nothing to prove and nothing to defend… no suspicions of my lack of character either… if I’m still here that’s good enough for recovery.

I thought of a name for my fantasy roadside church by the way… don’t know why this has been on my mind but it’s my latest fantasy… what would I like church to look like?… because “Mission Temple Fireworks Stand”..was already taken….how about:

Awful’s!.... we’d have awful coffee before the meeting… and the sermon would be awful short… the motto on the sign out front “come to awful church… at least we know we’re not right”…. I just love the sound of the word awful…. Rhymes with waffle… maybe we could add those to our prayer breakfast! We could take up an offering and redistribute the money as a door prize at the end of the service 8). No one could complain… cause everything would be awful already 8)… awful ushers… awful preachers.. awful music… awful décor too…

O.k. I’ve lost my awful mind here… 8) so just smile with me o.k.? Bryan D

Nifty Noodles/ Black Sheep
9/2/06 Temecula, CA
It’s a Saturday and I wasn’t booked… so I joined my motorcycle buddy’s at seven a.m. for a road rally and regional breakfast with the Black Sheep club. (I’m now sporting a “friends of black sheep” patch on my leather vest) Met Kenny and Sal at a mobile station near my place and we road to Starbucks across town to meet James and Michael and his wife and Steve the Riverside chapter president and then road the back way to Lake Elsinore to pick up four or five new “Sheep” friends and then on to the rally at Rosa’s Cantina in Temecula. We were last to arrive and there were nearly three hundred motorcycles in the parking lot. Mostly Black Sheep club members.

You gotta own an “American Made” bike to be an official member... that usually means Harley Davidsons… you ever seen a mule in with a heard of Stallions? Well that’s what Matilda looks like in a parking lot full of custom Harleys. Lot of these guys have dream bikes. I was short on body fluids from drooling on four or five like what I’ve prayed to God to deliver into my hands 8).

The Black Sheep rally is what I wish church was like truly… I knew an awful lot of the guys from the gig in Morrow Bay. Remembered some by the bikes they own. There was genuine enthusiasm and a lot of back slapping hand shakin goin on… So it’s Coffee and breakfast and the announcements are entertaining… give away prizes… and very “off handed” ministry. Marty Edwards called a sheep member in Oregon who was recently in an accident. After telling his story to the faithful gathered Marty had everyone cheer him over the phone and pray for his recovery. The man was deeply moved to feel the support of other bikers who know the danger of riding around next to cars all the time.

They also printed up flyers for Radio Rehab and had me introduce the program to the group, many of whom have had their own struggles with addiction. Black Sheep is a Motorcycle Ministry reaching out to other bikers and their families… by serving mostly…. visiting bikers who go down and offering prayer and counseling to families in crisis. They are a raucous group led by several really enthusiastic biker preachers.

After breakfast I rode with about 20 bikers from the Riverside chapter the long way back through the hills on two lane roads I’ve never been on before… and I found myself dreaming I could attend a biker church…held in a bar… where the offering would be taken up to a blues tune…and promptly given to someone in need… and there would be door prizes and surprise phone calls to the sick in the middle of the service…there would be more laughter and worship music would be lead off by a screaming lead guitar solo that lasted more than two measures. Leather would be Sunday best. And the sermon would be shorter and the fellowship longer. We would sit at tables and drink coffee during the sermon too and maybe have breakfast as well…maybe watch clips from movies to emphasize a spiritual point.. or watch a music video that has some relevance…if you know of a place like that… let me know… I’m looking for a new community of believers who won’t kick me out every time I screw something up. Cause if I ever go down on a bike in the road I want friends like these to visit me.. and change the tube in my unconscious mouth… and call me on the phone and cheer for me when I’m not in the best of shape.

O.k. sothere’s that … Bryan D

Nifty Noodles/ Return to Recovery
9/1/06 Lake Forrest, CA
Friday was a return to Saddleback and Celebrate Recovery, haven’t played here much since my divorce, they like you to “step down” during the process of it all, maybe a good thing but it’s been two years, and I’ve felt a noticeable silence, my picture disappeared from the CR website and my calls were not returned for awhile. I guess my story of recovery hasn’t been enough about “Restoration” we all love that story about how God “puts things back together”… it makes a model testimony. I’ve discovered that forgiveness doesn’t mean that things always go back to the way they were.. Adam never returned to the garden and eve had a cross to bare in childbirth… things were not the same.

Such is my story these days… I’ve been forgiven by the ones I’ve hurt the most… my loved ones’ have been kind but the damage has been done. There’s no going back. I guess there is just cause in the public eye for “Distancing” from someone who is drowning. I could add damage to the image of a larger organization. I was exhausted by these thoughts before singing again here. Thinking about the “requirements” for service. And “privilege is earned”. I’ve taken for granted a lot of my own privilege. It’s been my livelihood!

I feel permanently broken in some arenas… but I know God has continued to stand by me even has I haven’t “met the requirements”. I’m sure too that God directs me even as he adjusts for mistakes I make…I’ve always believed that “God can still draw a straight line with a crooked stick” and that he accounts and accommodates in his aim at a target with a defective rifle so that the bullet still hits the bullseye… I hear all the time about how God is helpless to “bless his people because of their “stubbornness”. We get the privilege of maintaining our own will regardless. But the story of redemption wouldn’t hold water without the story of failure to begin with. I can’t help but think that we like to manipulate the story of redemption to get to the happy ending too soon… it makes a short boring book.

anyway… I finally returned in a quiet sort of way… I was asked to sing maybe five songs… which turned into three more once they heard some of the new stuff perhaps… and then an encore…

I can’t believe how right my songs are for recovery programs.. my whole life is about recovering! I sang “strollin on the water” haven’t played it in at least two years…

And three of the new songs from the unreleased stuff “IF Only I” “I love you so” and “Second chances”… I added “maybe I’m amazed” and did two piano only songs “never lied to you” and “if you pray for me”… hadn’t done those in a long time either…and for fun I threw in my new guitar songs “I probably love you Delilah” and “Loving you”…

I was exhausted from the effort though and the emotions I felt looking back at my own life… sick with the anxiety of “fitting back in” .. I carry a lot of disappointment in what has happened over the last two years... I felt all the pain of where I’ve come and the mistakes I’ve made and what it has cost me. But I know that my songs are good and right for where I am now and they still have a power of their own that can’t be denied. Those songs wouldn’t be here either if I didn’t have to walk through the valley of the shadow of death… nor would the “humility of delivery” that I have found as a result. I didn’t hang around to bask in the flattery of compliments much. I went home and slept hard.

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